Gossip - it's a big topic often needing to be worked through in my practice, a space that can be very confusing, hurtful and hard to navigate. This blog is to help create deeper awareness and understand within this space.

There are people who gossip to destroy your character, to get others ‘on their side’, to fuel their righteousness, to feed their wound (so they stay as they are), to deflect responsibility, to feed their ego. These aspects can play at varying degrees, ultimately there’s a personal agenda when someone sets out to gossip.
 
On the other side of this equation, there is no longer a need to discuss another for any reason whatsoever, as one’s depth of wisdom and compassion holds solid. And it is not spoken of unless it serves for the betterment of humanity.  Now that’s what I call the ultimate next level of mastery.
 
We don't just get there overnight, it's a process. To reach mastery level there are times of necessity to talk through a situation that has challenged you, not to gossip and destroy, rather as an opportunity to unpack what has occurred gaining growth and wisdom.
 
The trick here can be in choosing the right person to do this with, as the wrong person can steer you into their own agenda, and before you know it you are in the gossip mill. And often once you are in it’s hard to get out as gossip can have a powerful grip.  
 
The great news is - you hold the power of how the conversation will go.  As you will either see it as an opportunity to deepen into truth and compassion or be a part of the destructive gossip.
 
Let’s delve a little deeper and break this down - we are either having destructive or constructive discussions:
Destructive discussion

Below are a few examples of why people gossip and what to be aware of:
 
People who are working to destroy your character are often doing so as they are battling their own internal demons of insecurities, comparison, jealousy or competitiveness. If they succeed in destroying another’s character the payoff is to feel (a false) sense of superiority. 
 
Gossipers will manipulate the conversation so they look like the obvious choice to be agreed with.  People will gossip to get people ‘on their side’ so they don’t feel ostracised.
 
Pay attention to how people talk about other people to you in private, because that’s exactly how they talk about you to others.
 
People will often gossip as they are questioning their own truth… in other words, if I say ‘x’ about this person and they agree I must be right. Rather than looking to see what is true within, it’s easier to get others agreement, it’s a great bypass for what may have been a deeper truth.
 
Consideration - People who are intimidated by you talk bad about you with hopes that others won’t find you so appealing.
 
Constructive discussion

​Below are a few pointers to allow the effective outcomes:
 
Discussing another person to allow you the opportunity to deepen your awareness, understanding and compassion to let go of the story at play can be healthy. People who trigger you are always teaching you.
 
Sharing from absolute integrity; in other words if I say something to another person I would also be sharing it to the person spoken of, no secrets. 
 
A great maxim to live by - It’s not about who is real to your face, it’s about who stays real behind your back.
 
Sometimes situations will present when someone will ask you your opinion, it happens. Sharing openly about your experience, without ill intent and any sign of drama to allow others to make their own choices from free will… ‘this is only my opinion’.  Add to that, ‘what I have learned from this is’…. now you are completely deflecting from gossip and taking ownership.. and that’s mighty sexy!

Conclusion
 
The more we work on ourselves to cultivate and embody self-worth, self-love and self-belief the less we need to gossip or to unpack conversations.  We are able to better read, understand and bring compassion to the experience. There will be nothing to be discussed, in fact it will feel like a total waste of time and energy.
 
What also starts to develop are healthy connections that are loving and supportive, and yes at times keeping us accountable, that said holding people accountable is love, as when I’m holding you accountable I’m saying “You’re capable of a bigger game”. 
 
A healthy and healed person does not speak ill of others.
 
What we need to start to do is talk to each other, rather than about each other. To own what is ours, and observe what is not. And to continue to deepen into our worthiness and compassion.
 
Ronald Reagan quoted: “I’ve always believed that a lot of the trouble in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other”... wise words.  

And remember - wise choices always SHINE!

Much love,
​Lara XO

Is it safe to share my feelings? Why does it feel so overwhelming? What does trust look like?
 
The simple answer is - if we have experienced a need to suppress our feelings and emotions, we will go into a form of protection, which results in feeling apprehensive, unsafe or overwhelmed to express freely.
 
There are many reasons we would feel this way. It could be due to our upbringing; ‘children should be seen and not heard’, or perhaps ‘we don’t cry in this house’, or ‘you’re too emotional’, 'too sensitive', 'too much'.
 
Or perhaps your experience of being shut down when expressing what your felt came from external factors or later in life; at school, in relationships, at work… there’s often an event that you can recall whereby you didn’t feel safe to express what you were feeling as you became a target, or you felt ridiculed, or wrong.
 
Without question working in certain industries and business cultures, you wouldn’t dare show emotions or feelings as these are seen as being way too vulnerable and weak, and put you at risk of loosing your job.
 
Our environment shapes us. That is until such time we realise how we were in fact shaped, isn’t always the truth.

For example, parents that don’t deal well with their own feelings will definitely struggle with their child showing feelings. Being upset and crying at school could have been too much for the teachers to deal with, due to their own limit being reached. Bosses that can’t do emotions, friends who can’t deal, partners who haven’t developed their own emotional intelligence.  It’s intense at times the way we are shaped to not feel.
 
To cope with this, we form layers of protection.  
 
The result of this is we are now in a form of protection, which is to say a layer of hardening, withdrawal, blame, victim or rebellion energy.
 
We toughen up, or learn to shut our emotions down, we numb, we use alcohol or drugs to suppress our feelings, bingeing on tv, phone scrolling, foods to stimulate or dull, addictions…  there will be an obvious ‘go to’ (or two) that is our 'drug of choice' that keeps what we feel at bay.
 
We form certain beliefs that feelings and emotions are something ‘wrong’, judging others for theirs, feeling uncomfortable in not knowing what to say, how to be with emotional people. And the stinger, this is often a mirror of where we are at in your own inability to be with what we feel.
 
And there you have it – why we don’t feel safe expressing what we feel.  
 
So what’s the upside you may ask. What can we do with this to free ourselves from the protection we have formed; to feel we can be safe in our expression.
 
There’s a marker for us that feeds back when we are free of the emotional hooks, and that is when we can share our story without our triggers activated. (To be clear, this isn’t from a place of hardness or dissassociation).
 
It’s when we can tell our story or sharing of an event in our life without emotion. What that reflect is that we have fully healed and therefore when we do share, it’s from a place of what we have learned, how we have strengthened, what we now understand. How life is grander for it.
 
What I love about this is approach is that when we share we get feedback of where we are at. So how can sharing be wrong. There is no wrong or right, simply feedback.
 
It could be when you shared you felt a little triggered, a little emotional, you noticed you spoke about it with a certain energy, with a tone, or with a particular emotion. This is such a great way for us to see where there may still be some healing to do. More awareness to gain of what impacted you, or even to show you there’s a deeper level presenting that will allow you to finally work through and let go of what still has hooks.
 
All of which is amazing to receive, as now we have a focus, something to work with, a program to put ourselves on to literally set ourselves free. This could be what you speak to your therapist or counsellor about, and work through together. As often we can’t see what we don’t know, whereby someone with the right training can introduce us to those new pathways.
 
It's why I advocate we are student for life, always learning, growing and evolving. The best project you will ever work on, is you. As the rewards are priceless.
 
So, what can you do to begin this unfoldment of no longer feeling you need to hold back?

Begin by using these times as feedback, turn them into a study to see where you are still affected, call it your project of self-awareness, self-empowerment, evolution. Be curious, don't make it wrong.  Ask yourself, what is the a new awareness to receive here, or what is my belief to renounce, or what area do I need to heal... and do that.
 
Maybe that’s what you share when you are learning to express yourself, of course with the right people (always be discerning), is your attendance to your healing, or perhaps your study of your behaviour, or even the intention of your sharing is to see what is to be renounced. Keep it real.
 
Now isn't that’s a beautiful thing…as it shows others the power of self-reflection, ownership and responsibility. It shows the power of taking what has happened to us as an opportunity to strengthen. this is true alchemy – turning metal to gold!

Be Brave.

Much love,
Lara XO

Metal health carries such weight as a term, and yet it is such a common factor of everyday life. One we need to stop hiding and bring out into the open as a part of life, for many.
 
What is mental health?
According to the oxford dictionary; Mental health is a person's overall state of well-being that includes their emotional, psychological, and social health. It affects how people think, feel, and behave. 
 
And this from the Australian Bureau of Statistics:
‘One in five Australian adults experience a mental illness every year. About 45 per cent of Australian adults will be affected by mental illness at some time in their life. Anxiety, mood disorders (such as depression) and substance use disorders are the most common mental illnesses experienced by Australian adults’.
 
What’s worse, is the percentage of people who are ‘quietly suffering’ and not seeking professional help, whilst I’m not able to find the stats, I know from everyday conversations that this number is high.  Add to that those seeking professional help and feeling like they must hide it from others as the shaming of it is too much.
 
There are a lot of roadblocks to getting support. And yet, it’s one of the greatest acts of self-love, to let someone in who can show you the way.
 
Finding the right person to help you as you navigate these challenges alone can be a saving grace. It’s important that you are not made to feel like there’s something wrong; rather there’s aspects of life that are needing attending to, to then be able to return to a deeper sense of who you are, of what life is about, of how to thrive and not just survive. This anecdote comes to mind...
 
“A man asked a gardener why his plants grew so beautifully. The gardener said: “I don’t force them to grow. I remove what stops them”.
 
Another aspect to consider are those struggling with mental health speak to their doctor and are prescribed SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) medications which definitely are needed at times. Unfortunately, medication is not a stand-alone solution, as the cause still requires attendance. However, what can and does happen is the medication has the person feel they are ok again, and therefore there's no longer a call to address the triggers, and no core changes are made.
 
Having experienced both anxiety and depression earlier in my life, and I know how crippling it can be. I also know that there’s so much help on offer for us to heal and reclaim our true north. That the very feelings we have that we are struggling with are in fact neon signs alerting us towards the way home, back to our core selves. Back to a place of joy, harmony, love, truth, purpose and so much more.
 
When we see those markers as a call to redirect our path, like a lighthouse indicating the way back to shore, a point of return where we need a little ‘light’ to show us the way.. we can truly transform our life. What gets us there, is our willingness to look within, to work with our vulnerabilities, to be willing to be seen, to be open to what is the awareness that opens new unseen doors to freedom. The point is – we have to do the work.
 
There’s a quote that I love by Elizabeth Gibert that sums it up well…
 
“I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”
 
When we have had enough of the struggle, that is in fact the first and most powerful step – as we will do what it takes. From there it’s being ok to be seen as you are, where you are, able to share what it is that requires healing, or attendance. It’s a combination of two aspects; learning to reclaim your true self and letting go of what stops your garden from naturally flourishing (to call on the above anecdote shared).
 
The first step is to show up.
 
Do your research, read the testimonials, meet with your counsellor or therapist, see if it feels a match. Do it for you. Do it for those around you, for generations to come, for past events to stop, to leave your greatest legacy – have your why. And lastly, be brave, the rewards are endless.

Much love,
​Lara XO

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