How to stop gossip in it’s tracks

Gossip - it's a big topic often needing to be worked through in my practice, a space that can be very confusing, hurtful and hard to navigate. This blog is to help create deeper awareness and understand within this space.

There are people who gossip to destroy your character, to get others ‘on their side’, to fuel their righteousness, to feed their wound (so they stay as they are), to deflect responsibility, to feed their ego. These aspects can play at varying degrees, ultimately there’s a personal agenda when someone sets out to gossip.
 
On the other side of this equation, there is no longer a need to discuss another for any reason whatsoever, as one’s depth of wisdom and compassion holds solid. And it is not spoken of unless it serves for the betterment of humanity.  Now that’s what I call the ultimate next level of mastery.
 
We don't just get there overnight, it's a process. To reach mastery level there are times of necessity to talk through a situation that has challenged you, not to gossip and destroy, rather as an opportunity to unpack what has occurred gaining growth and wisdom.
 
The trick here can be in choosing the right person to do this with, as the wrong person can steer you into their own agenda, and before you know it you are in the gossip mill. And often once you are in it’s hard to get out as gossip can have a powerful grip.  
 
The great news is - you hold the power of how the conversation will go.  As you will either see it as an opportunity to deepen into truth and compassion or be a part of the destructive gossip.
 
Let’s delve a little deeper and break this down - we are either having destructive or constructive discussions:
Destructive discussion

Below are a few examples of why people gossip and what to be aware of:
 
People who are working to destroy your character are often doing so as they are battling their own internal demons of insecurities, comparison, jealousy or competitiveness. If they succeed in destroying another’s character the payoff is to feel (a false) sense of superiority. 
 
Gossipers will manipulate the conversation so they look like the obvious choice to be agreed with.  People will gossip to get people ‘on their side’ so they don’t feel ostracised.
 
Pay attention to how people talk about other people to you in private, because that’s exactly how they talk about you to others.
 
People will often gossip as they are questioning their own truth… in other words, if I say ‘x’ about this person and they agree I must be right. Rather than looking to see what is true within, it’s easier to get others agreement, it’s a great bypass for what may have been a deeper truth.
 
Consideration - People who are intimidated by you talk bad about you with hopes that others won’t find you so appealing.
 
Constructive discussion

​Below are a few pointers to allow the effective outcomes:
 
Discussing another person to allow you the opportunity to deepen your awareness, understanding and compassion to let go of the story at play can be healthy. People who trigger you are always teaching you.
 
Sharing from absolute integrity; in other words if I say something to another person I would also be sharing it to the person spoken of, no secrets. 
 
A great maxim to live by - It’s not about who is real to your face, it’s about who stays real behind your back.
 
Sometimes situations will present when someone will ask you your opinion, it happens. Sharing openly about your experience, without ill intent and any sign of drama to allow others to make their own choices from free will… ‘this is only my opinion’.  Add to that, ‘what I have learned from this is’…. now you are completely deflecting from gossip and taking ownership.. and that’s mighty sexy!

Conclusion
 
The more we work on ourselves to cultivate and embody self-worth, self-love and self-belief the less we need to gossip or to unpack conversations.  We are able to better read, understand and bring compassion to the experience. There will be nothing to be discussed, in fact it will feel like a total waste of time and energy.
 
What also starts to develop are healthy connections that are loving and supportive, and yes at times keeping us accountable, that said holding people accountable is love, as when I’m holding you accountable I’m saying “You’re capable of a bigger game”. 
 
A healthy and healed person does not speak ill of others.
 
What we need to start to do is talk to each other, rather than about each other. To own what is ours, and observe what is not. And to continue to deepen into our worthiness and compassion.
 
Ronald Reagan quoted: “I’ve always believed that a lot of the trouble in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other”... wise words.  

And remember - wise choices always SHINE!

Much love,
​Lara XO