I Was A Lost Rebel

Almost ten years ago I completed a body of work that set me on a life-changing trajectory for the rest of my life, Soul-Centered Psychotherapy.  I must admit whilst deeply in the work I felt my whole life, everything I thought I knew was being turned up-side-down and inside-out…. and in all honesty there were a couple of times I thought I wasn’t going to make it through.  I was being stripped back daily of everything I thought I knew, revealing everything I had been hiding from, at times feeling more exposed and vulnerable than I thought I could handle. 

In my recent decision to become my own brand, Lara Wilson (for personal transformation programs), along side The Greatness Academy (business training), I've been told it’s time I write my story.  Something I have not been embracing as on one level I don’t believe we are our story (as in life we manufacturer our story - next blog topic), and then I feel I could create so many variations of my story… so what is the truth.  I realise now there is a story.  A story of how I came to be doing this work, and how I have always had the call to dedicate my life to human transformation.

In going through my Soul-centered Psychotherapy course notes today to compile my story of what modalities I have studied, I once again came across my intention at the time, the headline reads;  Dedicated to human and cultural transformation.  Under that heading is a list of the teachings I want to create, and then this quote...

“To be a leader one must first know what it is to be human”.

Like a bolt of lighting I am taken back to where this all began, my first breakdown at the age of 21.  I was just married, had the mortgage, the cat, the dog, the two cars, a steady job, and now a husband.  I thought I had followed through on what we ‘should’ do... only to wake up one day feeling like I was dying inside.  I recall crying so deeply, so uncontrollably, I collapsed in the shower hitting my head against the glass wall, feeling like I wanted to die.  

I was so lost, I would go in and out of anxiety and depression, so desperate to escape this living hell. I went searching for answers; went to doctors, counsellors, psychologists, natural healers, anyone that I thought might be able to help me get out of the bottom of the well I had fallen into.  It all felt pointless, as no one seemed to ‘get it’ let alone be able to help me.  And then my cousin, my living angle at the time offered some guidance.  It wasn’t mainstream but it was the closest thing I had come across to feeling some hope, so I jumped in. 

I realise now of course that this was an awakening, and not the sort of awakening that just shakes us up, rather a full-blown earth-shattering knee-bending wanting-to-die awakening. But no one was able to offer guidance, I had to seek and find what I could to bring me back to myself.  

And at times the only ‘way out’ was to numb.  I did a great job of avoiding, numbing, feeding addictions, running, hiding.. and so well disguised… or so I thought.

I partied for two decades to escape the pain inside.  And I partied well.  I dove into my professional path to push myself to be better, again another beautiful strategy to avoid the underlying pain.  But the calling was always there, I couldn’t shake it.  The more I ignored it, the more it called.  

I become an avid spiritual seeker, reading all of the new age books, seeking out anything that was hot and new.  I kept diving deeper and deeper into another world, I went to the edge of the cosmos and become ‘spiritually’ obsessed.  I became a seminar junky, a wild seeker of the truth, the path, perhaps even the magic pill.

I did some crazy shit; sat in tents in the middle of nowhere calling in who knows what during day long 'meditation', to then have ten hands on me for 'healing' each person moaning and groaning, shaking and seeming to perform some sort of exorcism.  I had a woman sit on me burping out toxins from my body, I ingested 'natural psychedelics' to heal.  I could go on but I’m thinking you get the picture.

I was a rebel, I didn’t buy into anything mainstream, wanted to fight the system, but really I never understood what I was fighting for... it was confusing - a rebel without a cause.  I recently learned from my parents I have always been a rebel, apparently I was born a rebel.  

I was a lost rebel.

I see it now, I just got lost in all the dogma, the programming and conditioning of what I was buying into.  I now understand that the rebel within was calling me to break free of the dogma, the matrix, and the BS that held me prisoner and locked me into this illusionary world.  

I woke up, and realised this rebel now has a cause - to awaken and to bridge a new world.  So I started with me, and I still continue to do my inner-work.  In fact I choose it every day.  I’m not associated with any dogma, religion or teachings, or guru’s.  I feel into what is next for me, dive in to gain the knowledge to expand my awareness and to continually deepen into my true nature.  It’s my life’s work to continually be awakening.  

What I have learned along the way of my almost 30 years of wild awakenings is what I now guide others in.  The bridging of two worlds; to live, love and lead in a new way. Living an embodied heartfelt and soulful existence, embracing everyday life. This to me is the Warriors Path.  And it feels I whole lot like coming home (in ourselves).

So much love
Lara

PS - If you are interested to learn more about my programs click here.  There are a few exciting opportunities to join me and expand your greatest potential!